There was a time in my life that for a moment, I felt abandoned by God.
Right after the accident I was going through a really deep and tormenting emotional pain. This pain was different than the emotional pain of loss. Both are incredibly hard and horrible but this pain I have never talked about publicly.
This pain started the day of the accident. When I met Honesty Noel, she was wrapped in a blanket. I noticed that she had some bruising on her head. It didn’t quite sink in at the time since everything was so fresh. Later on that night when I got taken to the ICU and I was alone with Honesty, I wanted to see what she looked like. I decided to take her blanket off so I could see her little hands and feet. Well, I never expected to see such a traumatic site. She was bruised all over her body, her blanket was bloody and there was blood coming out of her nose. Seeing my precious innocent daughter in that condition was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve seen and experienced.
In my heart, all I can think about was how much pain she had suffered those last few hours of her life. I could only imagine because the pain that I was going through physically. When I woke up from surgery, I asked the nurses for more painkillers, because there was such an intense and throbbing pain in my stomach. But the nurses told me that they had already given me the maximum amount of pain killers so there was nothing else they could do.
I connected my physical pain to the pain that Honesty must have suffered as well because of her physical condition.
This pain went on every single day and it tormented me day and night. It was so painful that I could barely talk about it.
One day I was laying on my bed in my bedroom crying and I was looking out the window up to the sky and I could no longer contain my emotions so I cried out to God “GOD, WHY HAVE YOU!!! And then I couldn’t finish my sentence. I was going to say WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!!!!!
I couldn’t finish my words because I knew that Jesus had said the same words to the Father as He was about to die on the cross. And I knew in that moment that God could relate and sympathize with me and what I was going through.
I was being tormented by Honesty’s innocent gruesome death, but God showed me that Jesus was innocent and He went through the most gruesome, tormenting death ever. And He did that for me and you.
He was beaten beyond recognition, flogged, mocked, spit on, laughed at, crucified on the cross and much more. But perhaps the worst part was when the Farther turned His back on Him as He placed upon Him all the sins of the world.
Jesus restored our relationship with God through His sacrifice on the cross. Isn’t that the most perfect gift in the world? That Jesus conquered death and sin and we are no longer slaves to our sinful nature. When we put our trust in Jesus, we inherit eternal life and the best part is that we can have a beautiful relationship with God. We no longer have to live in guilt or condemnation. We don’t have to hide, and we don’t have to live this life on our own, and do things on our own. God has done it all. Our only part is to say yes to Jesus and follow Him.
After my eyes were opened, that God Himself knew what it was like to watch my own precious daughter in that horrible condition, I began to heal. This didn’t mean that I understood why it had happened, but I knew that God was with me, and that He had never left my side and that He was providing all that I needed to get through this time.
And the best part was that I understood that her life was not a wasted life. Even though she only lived 6 months and minutes outside of my body, her life changed me. God used my brokenness to make me more like Jesus, and God used her life to reveal Jesus to whoever would be open to hear the truth.
If you have gone through painful trials, or perhaps you can relate to that tormenting pain that I was going through. Maybe it’s tormenting guilt, or tormenting shame, or maybe even torment from rejection or abuse or a traumatic event. Whatever it is, Jesus can sympathize and Jesus can heal. Open your heart to Him today and let Him show you what He can do with that thing that you think it’s unrepairable. For nothing is impossible with God and the sweetest part is that He desires to do it for you.