Happy birthday to Honesty Noel Wolf! I can’t believe it’s been four years! I wonder how beautiful you would be now. I can imagine you with your long curly hair, talking two different languages, your unique personality shining through, having you around everywhere we go, acting goofy like your daddy, or quiet like me, or coming home to hear the words “Mommy!” A lot of the times seeing a little girl around the age you would’ve been makes me wonder what you would’ve look like today.
It still hurts like hell, but each year I find God healing my heart a little more. I sure miss you even though I didn’t know you the way I wanted to know you, but there’s a big empty place in my heart that was specially for you.
I still don’t go to baby showers because it’s too hard, and sometimes I avoid certain events that are family centered. But then sometimes I do go to events and put on my strong everything is well face so I can try to be as normal as possible and fit in with everyone else.
So I will take this time to finally write an update about what’s been happening on our road to trying to conceive. If you are interesting in knowing, it’s a long message I’m about to write.
A little over 2 years after the accident, I went to get checked finally because we were unable to conceive during that time. I was waiting on God to give us another child and for direction about how that was going to happen but when it didn’t, I figured I better get checked just in case the accident might have caused anything internal I wasn’t aware of.
I clearly remember that the very next morning after the accident, the doctors were getting ready for surgery to take out my uterus if the bleeding hadn’t stopped because I had internal bleeding and they needed to make sure I was priority and not my ability to have kids in the future. At around 6 a.m the doctor said he was surprised, but the bleeding had stopped and I wouldn’t be needing further surgery. This was a complete miracle that God saved my uterus therefore giving me the opportunity to conceive one day. But since I couldn’t get pregnant, that was the only thing that we could think of that could possibly be the problem.
When the doctor checked me she said that I was completely fine and healthy. She mentioned I had a slightly heart shaped uterus, but that wasn’t a big deal and she said my blood test showed I still had plenty of eggs.
Then she asked about Josh and I told her that he had a vasectomy reversal and I got pregnant a month later. She told me he needed to get checked again and gave me a referral for an infertility clinic. She said she wasn’t an expert in that area, but perhaps he had develop scar tissue. I really didn’t understand why he needed to get checked again since I had gotten pregnant before, but now that I had gotten checked, it seemed like a step in the right direction.
We made the appointment to go, but this was also the time when Josh was very sick with severe anxiety and panic attacks, weight loss, in and out of hospitals, doctors appointments and counseling and missing months from work. So we had to cancel his appointment and him getting checked was delayed.
During that time, we were so consumed with all of the problems we were having and although we were still trying to conceive, Josh getting checked was not the priority anymore. Almost a year later, I was cleaning out my wallet while we were on break at work, and I seen the referral paper. We had a month left to go see the doctor since the referral was only good for a year. Although Josh was back to work, he still struggle a lot and was not where he needed to be yet. I asked him if he wanted to go and I told him he didn’t have to and I was willing to throw that piece of paper away and not even worry about it anymore. I still had faith about the promise God gave me, and I believed that no matter what, God was going to guide us to what we needed to do, when and how. So if Josh wasn’t ready yet, then I was willing to let God handle the obstacle and guide us on to the next step. But Josh said he would do it because he felt that the problem was with him.
Finally in November of last year, a little over 3 years after the accident, he went to get checked. To our surprise and yet not so surprised, the test came back as ZERO! He was sterile once again and there was nothing there. We expected maybe to hear he had low sperm count, but we did not expect zero.
Part of my surprise was because I didn’t think that could happen and l never heard of that. The doctor that performed the surgery never warned us that could happen. I thought once it was successful, that would be the case for years to come.
For the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt a big weight lifted off. We had an answer even if it wasn’t good news but at least we knew the reason why we couldn’t conceive and hoped for a way to fix it.
We made an appointment to see a urologist and it just couldn’t come quick enough. To our disappointment, the urologist we seen told us that he didn’t specialize in that type of surgery and problem. He recommend us to one of the top doctors in Atlanta named Michael Witt who specializes in men infertility. Again we couldn’t wait to see a doctor fast enough to get answers and we were counting down the days.
The day finally came to see the doctor and we explained everything that was going on. He gave Josh a quick check up and told us that the cause was probably scar tissue. Just like my doctor had suspected. He said that he would need to come back for an ultra sound to confirm, but our to options were another vasectomy reversal or in vitro and he gave us a 90% chance of success in the vasectomy reversal.
We didn’t hesitate on what to do, we both had already talked about it and we were going to proceed to the next step no matter what, even though we didn’t want to go through either one. Josh had already had a vasectomy, a vasectomy reversal, and now this!
We both decided to have poor Josh get another vasectomy reversal. Although this time the cost of this reversal was twice the amount of his first reversal, but it was still half the cost of in vitro, and seemed less invasive.
Okay I told myself, this it it! Finally the answer that we have been waiting for so long. This is surely God’s plan because I have prayed about Him guiding us, I had been patiently waiting on Him for direction and guidance and this is where He has taken us. Breakthrough was just around the corner! Whoo hoooo!
We scheduled his surgery for January at first, but then we ended up having to move it to February 16th, I don’t remember the reason.
Finally when that day came, Josh got the surgery. The doctor said everything went very well and that he would recover in no time. Josh was off work for a week and he was very sore, purple, swollen, and walking like a penguin. This surgery was way more painful for him than the first time probably because the incisions were much larger.
Four months went by and still nothing, we really thought it would happen fast just like the first time, but it didn’t. We decided not to wait as long as last time and made an appointment to have Josh checked again a couple of weeks ago. Well his doctor couldn’t give us the results unless we talked to him personally so I had my doctor give us the results because we couldn’t see him for a while and didn’t want to wait. To our surprise, we got more bad news. I will never forget her words. “I’m sorry, but there’s still nothing there, the surgery was unsuccessful!”
I was speechless and when I hung up the phone, I cried for like an hour. This was another heart break, but this time I just picked myself up and said okay God, I don’t understand this, but I’m sure you have a plan. I don’t plan on giving up even if I’m left alone and I’m the only one believing it. But I know that won’t be the case because God has placed some amazing people in my life.
So as of right now we don’t know anything more until we talk to the doctor that did Josh’s surgery at the end of this month. I wish I had better news, but unfortunately we don’t.
All we can do is keep on waiting on God and trusting Him, for this is how or Faith grows and gets strengthened. During this time when nothing is going as plan, nothing makes since and it seems like nothing is working out.
And the reason it took me so long to share besides being too discouraged, was because I never expected four years to go by with no pregnancy, I always believed it was right around the corner. Next month, fall, spring, this year, and time just flew me by and I kept waiting not to share the updates about what’s been happening, but I was more waiting to share the good news that I was pregnant.
But God is definitely working. He’s healing me from that deep discouragement and hurt I couldn’t seem to get out of and I had prayed about for a while. And as I gathered with a group of believers a couple weeks ago and we prayed, I can see that light God has placed in me coming back and I have not felt that in a very long time.
The only way I know to explain it is Psalms 13:3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
When I read this verse before, I always thought it would happen when I got pregnant. But now I realize I don’t have to have a baby or anything else in this world for the sparkle in my eyes to come back and shine through, I just need God! Not because I won’t feel discouraged or sad again and all the things that come with loss and infertility and living in this world, because I will. But at least in the midst of adversity and the crazy storm around us, I can still have the peace of God and moments of joy and a soul that is alive and not dead inside with hurt and discouragement. Hurt is inevitable, but God has promised us healing. He said He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds Psalms 147:3. Healing of the heart doesn’t always come how we want it and when we want it, but it comes to those who ask God, wait and receive in faith.
Maybe you have been deeply hurt. Just because you may not think about the hurt you carry as much anymore or it may seem like it’s not there anymore, doesn’t mean that it’s not. Time is not a healer like people said, at least not with certain hurts that penetrate your soul. Time just makes you forget to think about it as much. But I have seen people with hurts that happened years and years ago and I still see it in their eyes. There’s those hurts that seem impossible to ever go away. But they are not and God is the true healer. So even though I don’t have a fairy tale ending and a happily ever after, I pray that my story can give you the hope that God can heal your brokenness and use it for a greater purpose and His glory.